They say that high school is the time when teens are most self-conscious. This was so true for me. Each and every day I felt like all eyes were one me. And I saw myself as insufficient. I had a small group of friends that I hung around with in between classes. But for some reason I was always afraid to be “me”. Specifically, I was afraid to bring attention to myself. I could never handle the attention of a whole circle of people. But I got by. I did funny things that made people laugh, and that was my contribution. I definitely wasn’t one of those “interesting” people that can lead a conversation.
In one-on-one conversations, I didn’t to well. I was very nervous and insecure. I was so afraid that the person would disagree with what I said, or that my statements might offend them. This was an unfounded fear, because I could really be a polite person, but it was ingrained in my head. So I kept quiet and unassuming.
“Matthias, why are you so quiet?” That’s what my friends always used to say. “Why don’t you talk?” They didn’t understand. It wasn’t their fault; they were nice friends; if I were normal, I would have had great conversations with them. But because of my conditioning in school and at home, I was timid. Timid doesn’t do the situation justice. I was on emergency lockdown. My emotions were not allowed out. I used to spend entire lunches sitting with my friends and not saying a word. I’m sure it was awkward for them when I would just sit and listen.
The thing that I didn’t realize was the selfishness of it all. I was just focusing on how people viewed me. In groups, I wanted to preserve my image; my reputation. I wasn’t trying to give other people a good time. I didn’t bring up interesting topics of conversation. And I was too frightful to show interest in what others were saying. It was all about me. Maybe that’s why I had a hard time making friends.
I’m not going to point the finger or wonder too much about why I was so awkward. It was because of mistakes I made, and mistakes other people made. But it’s in the past now, and I can only try to help others out of the same pit I was in.
Well now I am a senior in college. You might wonder if my situation has gotten better. Well it has and I’ll tell you why. I had really no hope of improving, except for something... I knew some Christians whose lives and personalities radiated light. And they showed love to one another. I wanted that, and so I tried to act like them. You know, I tried to be good and all. But it was all an act. I didn’t belong to God. And I wasn’t improving.
But one day God knocked me off my high horse and I realized -- I am very bad at leading my own life. I had tried to pave my own path, not obeying God’s laws or my parents’ instructions. And it gave me crap. So I bargained with God and gave him my life. That’s what God wanted. And as a result, God started to renovate me. He stripped me down and has been revitalizing me ever since. It’s been good, but don’t miss the point here. I am God’s slave now. But it was the best decision of my life, I promise you that, and I do not often say such words.
Now I still have apprehension sometimes when talking with groups, but I am much more secure in who I am. Heck, I can even make a remark to a complete stranger. And the good thing is that God is still working. The best part is that I don't focus anymore on what I get from people, but what I give. I asked God about two a years ago to make me more friendly, and he has. I have been improving nicely.
I hope you know that God is real. The Bible is accurate. You can read it and see how Jesus loves you. Crack your open around the three quarter mark to the book of John, and read about what Jesus did and said. God is kind to us, not oppressive. His rules don’t restrict your life, they restrict sin, which in turn makes the way for true life to come. One thing that I had failed to realize that sin was bad! By bad I mean detrimental. God knows that, and that’s why he gives us rules. God cares for us and wants the best for us. So investigate Jesus’ words in the Bible and see if you want to bargain with God and give him your life.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Post #3
Art class right now has basically consisted of me sitting here, hanging m head, and writing. Face it:I am depressed. Me and her have an AIM relationship- that's it. I hate having to walk past her every day not saying a word. She's always talking to her friends. She's never alone so I can talk to her.
I want to hug her, but in what circumstances can I? I want to so bad, but what would it be like, would it be a one-armed hug, two... what position... Forget it, I'm thinking too much. I should just do it! At this stage in the game, I'm losing it. A spark of spontaneity would be greatly appreciated.
What is my deal? Should I play the card of ignorance? I'm basically thinking about her 24-7. Does she think of me the same? She couldn't. If she was, she would make some opportunities for me to step in. She would at least say something to me for once. I have always been the one to start the conversations in school, which are short and unsatisfying. She sits behind me in 7th period and I just long for her to say a word. But she is busy. And ignorant. I am sitting right in front of her. I hear every single word she says. I DIE IN THAT CLASS.
She is the only thing I want right now. I would gladly throw away my inhibitions and break the laws of my nature, but in the moment, it is obvious that doing so is not my option. I am confined to a box. The box is my whole set of rules that I have been developing since my induction into society.
Rule #1: You are not worthy to cut into a group's conversation.
Rule #2: If you are not 100% sure that what ou say will be hear and taken correctly by the other person, don't say anything at all.
Rule #3: If you are feeling down, don't talk to her because it will only bring her down as well and ruin her view of you.
These rules are b.s. but they are imprinted into my brain and I obey them in all new and undefined circumstances. my friends will all say, "just go up and talk to her!" Well they don't even know. It's not like she's all by herself all the time. They don't know my situation. They couldn't possibly give me any helpful advice.
I want to hug her, but in what circumstances can I? I want to so bad, but what would it be like, would it be a one-armed hug, two... what position... Forget it, I'm thinking too much. I should just do it! At this stage in the game, I'm losing it. A spark of spontaneity would be greatly appreciated.
What is my deal? Should I play the card of ignorance? I'm basically thinking about her 24-7. Does she think of me the same? She couldn't. If she was, she would make some opportunities for me to step in. She would at least say something to me for once. I have always been the one to start the conversations in school, which are short and unsatisfying. She sits behind me in 7th period and I just long for her to say a word. But she is busy. And ignorant. I am sitting right in front of her. I hear every single word she says. I DIE IN THAT CLASS.
She is the only thing I want right now. I would gladly throw away my inhibitions and break the laws of my nature, but in the moment, it is obvious that doing so is not my option. I am confined to a box. The box is my whole set of rules that I have been developing since my induction into society.
Rule #1: You are not worthy to cut into a group's conversation.
Rule #2: If you are not 100% sure that what ou say will be hear and taken correctly by the other person, don't say anything at all.
Rule #3: If you are feeling down, don't talk to her because it will only bring her down as well and ruin her view of you.
These rules are b.s. but they are imprinted into my brain and I obey them in all new and undefined circumstances. my friends will all say, "just go up and talk to her!" Well they don't even know. It's not like she's all by herself all the time. They don't know my situation. They couldn't possibly give me any helpful advice.
Post #2
My Silver Butterfly
Sunday, March 15th
About my wonderful evening with codename:silver
I don't know why I haven't written a journal entry about this yet. This girl is the shit. This girl has me sprung. She is my perfect match. I never thought that I could get someone as beautiful and intelligent as her.. But as my luck has it, nice guys finish last, and it had been long enough for me. This nice guy finally crossed the finish line.
I hung out with her last night aka. 5 hours ago. BEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE. We saw a movie, Ultraviolet, and then we went to eat at Ruby Tuesdays. It sounds simple, but it was special. We got to know each other and she is like no other girl I know. I hope to God that I'm good enough for her.
In the movie, I put aside my fears and hindrances and put my arm around her. But I did more systematically than spontaneously. I knew she wanted me to, and most definitely, so did I. Having seen the movie before, I knew where the guy would say a love line to the girl. It was the most cheesy and predictable love line, but I decided to do it then.
My heart had been racing just at the thought of me accomplishing this move. I had never done this kind of thing before. I had to overcome this hindrance. I was breathing hard, clenching a sweaty fist and wiping off the other. My face was hot and rosy from the rushing blood through my capillaries. I was psyched.
And then the scene came. He said the words. I lifted my arm and put it around her. She smiled at me and did her part by resting her head on my shoulder. I was high from her perfume. I know she could feel my fingers playing with the fabric of her shirt. I celebrated silently. I did it- the infamous move- I finally did it.
I was new to everything I was doing in that moment. Then my right arm started to get uncomfortable. I wondered, "am I doing this right? Should I go lower, higher? How does this work..." We both would have been sore if one of us hadn't have adjusted our position. Luckily, I have forgotten the details about that predicament. Things worked out. She was resting her head on my shoulder and I was gently resting my head on hers. Life was good. I had this girl. All I had to do now was keep her.
Part II:
The movie ended with an abrupt halt. I was disappointed that I couldn't spend more time embracing her. But I had no choice but to get up. I shattered the ice yet again with a story of one of my secret criminal missions. By then I wasn't geeking out at all. In fact, I hadn't been all night. Things started out great; I felt like I knew her already. We had a wonderful conversation, just like we used to on AIM. That was a god sign, because AIM was what first attracted me to her in the first place. We talked and shared stories. I shared a bit more than her, but I tried to keep the interest level even.
We both had cheese fries, which luckily don't make you look like a cow while you are eating them. She had a Dr. Pepper, and I had a Shirley Temple. I didn't realize it then, but when I ate that cherry, it was like saying, "I'm still trippin' over you." We had an inside joke about that.
Time ran out for her and she had to leave. According to Alyssa's advice, I payed for her movie ticket, but we split dinner. Her mom came to pick her up, and I said "hi." I was going to walk home, which I didn't mind. But she asked me if I needed a ride and I couldn't say no. On the ride back, she introduced me to the song, "Beautiful Disaster" by 311.
Because she drove me home, I didn't get to hug her goodbye. But hugs are only bonus points. I had already beaten the level, so to speak. I thanked her mom for the ride, and waved bye as I walked back. She told me that, as they drove off, her mom remarked, "well he doesn't look hispanic at all!"
Sunday, March 15th
About my wonderful evening with codename:silver
I don't know why I haven't written a journal entry about this yet. This girl is the shit. This girl has me sprung. She is my perfect match. I never thought that I could get someone as beautiful and intelligent as her.. But as my luck has it, nice guys finish last, and it had been long enough for me. This nice guy finally crossed the finish line.
I hung out with her last night aka. 5 hours ago. BEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE. We saw a movie, Ultraviolet, and then we went to eat at Ruby Tuesdays. It sounds simple, but it was special. We got to know each other and she is like no other girl I know. I hope to God that I'm good enough for her.
In the movie, I put aside my fears and hindrances and put my arm around her. But I did more systematically than spontaneously. I knew she wanted me to, and most definitely, so did I. Having seen the movie before, I knew where the guy would say a love line to the girl. It was the most cheesy and predictable love line, but I decided to do it then.
My heart had been racing just at the thought of me accomplishing this move. I had never done this kind of thing before. I had to overcome this hindrance. I was breathing hard, clenching a sweaty fist and wiping off the other. My face was hot and rosy from the rushing blood through my capillaries. I was psyched.
And then the scene came. He said the words. I lifted my arm and put it around her. She smiled at me and did her part by resting her head on my shoulder. I was high from her perfume. I know she could feel my fingers playing with the fabric of her shirt. I celebrated silently. I did it- the infamous move- I finally did it.
I was new to everything I was doing in that moment. Then my right arm started to get uncomfortable. I wondered, "am I doing this right? Should I go lower, higher? How does this work..." We both would have been sore if one of us hadn't have adjusted our position. Luckily, I have forgotten the details about that predicament. Things worked out. She was resting her head on my shoulder and I was gently resting my head on hers. Life was good. I had this girl. All I had to do now was keep her.
Part II:
The movie ended with an abrupt halt. I was disappointed that I couldn't spend more time embracing her. But I had no choice but to get up. I shattered the ice yet again with a story of one of my secret criminal missions. By then I wasn't geeking out at all. In fact, I hadn't been all night. Things started out great; I felt like I knew her already. We had a wonderful conversation, just like we used to on AIM. That was a god sign, because AIM was what first attracted me to her in the first place. We talked and shared stories. I shared a bit more than her, but I tried to keep the interest level even.
We both had cheese fries, which luckily don't make you look like a cow while you are eating them. She had a Dr. Pepper, and I had a Shirley Temple. I didn't realize it then, but when I ate that cherry, it was like saying, "I'm still trippin' over you." We had an inside joke about that.
Time ran out for her and she had to leave. According to Alyssa's advice, I payed for her movie ticket, but we split dinner. Her mom came to pick her up, and I said "hi." I was going to walk home, which I didn't mind. But she asked me if I needed a ride and I couldn't say no. On the ride back, she introduced me to the song, "Beautiful Disaster" by 311.
Because she drove me home, I didn't get to hug her goodbye. But hugs are only bonus points. I had already beaten the level, so to speak. I thanked her mom for the ride, and waved bye as I walked back. She told me that, as they drove off, her mom remarked, "well he doesn't look hispanic at all!"
Post #1
Screw this I'm gonna write
Lately I've been feeling down. What really bugs me is how I can't bring myself up again. I don't know what the problem is. Believe me, if I knew how to change it, I would. I think it might be winter depression. But it's not full; it's like school winter depression. When I go out, I'm normal.
When I think about it, I'm always hungry, I'm tired, and all I do during the day is watch TV, sleep, and eat, if I can find anything to eat. My computer is down right now, so I can't do anything on it either. It's been raining a lot the past couple of days, so that may be affecting my condition. It's sunny today, so I hope for a good day.
Another cause might be my court date. I had been living with the possibility of having to go to Juvy and being held back, but now I've found out that that's only a small possibility. Even if I do go to Juvy, I won't miss school because Juvy has a school.
Alyssa could be another factor, and so could Ricky. He doesn't act like he's my friend anymore. Everyone seems different from how they were during the summer, or even the spring. Winter is weird. I don't like it. It's just something I have to get through.
I don't know. I guess my artwork shows something about me too. Also, nobody ever hears anything I say! I say stuff loud enough. Why the hell is everybody deaf all of a sudden? It's like it happened overnight!!! What the hell is going on?
Till next time...
Matthias
Lately I've been feeling down. What really bugs me is how I can't bring myself up again. I don't know what the problem is. Believe me, if I knew how to change it, I would. I think it might be winter depression. But it's not full; it's like school winter depression. When I go out, I'm normal.
When I think about it, I'm always hungry, I'm tired, and all I do during the day is watch TV, sleep, and eat, if I can find anything to eat. My computer is down right now, so I can't do anything on it either. It's been raining a lot the past couple of days, so that may be affecting my condition. It's sunny today, so I hope for a good day.
Another cause might be my court date. I had been living with the possibility of having to go to Juvy and being held back, but now I've found out that that's only a small possibility. Even if I do go to Juvy, I won't miss school because Juvy has a school.
Alyssa could be another factor, and so could Ricky. He doesn't act like he's my friend anymore. Everyone seems different from how they were during the summer, or even the spring. Winter is weird. I don't like it. It's just something I have to get through.
I don't know. I guess my artwork shows something about me too. Also, nobody ever hears anything I say! I say stuff loud enough. Why the hell is everybody deaf all of a sudden? It's like it happened overnight!!! What the hell is going on?
Till next time...
Matthias
Introduction
My name is Matthias. I live in Reston, VA, a diverse and prosperous suburb of Washington D.C. This blog is a set of journal entries from when I was a Junior in High School. I decided to put these on the web to show people how life was like for me. Life was rough.
At that time in my life, there were a lot of things wrong with me. I was a girl-chaser. I had fallen out of friendship with the guys I had been best friends with. I wanted action with girls, and in fact, I wanted any kind of action, even crime. I did a lot of the things I did so that I could tell people about it. I was a people-pleaser and at the same time an extreme introvert.
Looking back, I hate that time in my life. It was a struggle for me to go through each school day. Read my journal entries, and maybe you can relate.
At that time in my life, there were a lot of things wrong with me. I was a girl-chaser. I had fallen out of friendship with the guys I had been best friends with. I wanted action with girls, and in fact, I wanted any kind of action, even crime. I did a lot of the things I did so that I could tell people about it. I was a people-pleaser and at the same time an extreme introvert.
Looking back, I hate that time in my life. It was a struggle for me to go through each school day. Read my journal entries, and maybe you can relate.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
